[text] I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.

[text] I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

[text] We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out

[text] I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.

[text] two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.

[text] I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass

[text] Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.

[text] According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

[text] You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

[text] I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.

[text] What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"

[text] Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.

[text] YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.

[text] Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.

[text] I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.

[text] I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...

[text] You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it

[text] I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool

[text] I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.

[text] Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.

[text] A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.

[text] OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE

[text] Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.

[text] Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him

[text] I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.

[text] I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"

[text] Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.

[text] I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.

[text] Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.

[text] I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.

[text] When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.

[text] Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.

[text] i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?

[text] That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.

[text] I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock

[text] I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night

[text] Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car

[text] I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress

[text] Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?

[text] Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.

[text] I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there

[text] She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?

[text] We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.

[text] So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together

[text] That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.

[text] I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that

[text] Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant

[text] Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night

[text] I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.

[text] Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.

[text] I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.

[text] How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..

[text] Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you

[text] I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family

[text] You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.